Stoya vs. The Female Condom

After a lengthy adventure wandering the prophylactic section of various drug stores in a couple of different counties and failing to locate a ”female” or “internal” condom things were looking bleak for my great (if by ‘great’ you mean ‘miniscule’ and ‘not particularly scientific’) alternative safe sex experiment.

This was especially tragic because somewhere in the comments on my article for asking for feedback from consumers on condom use in porn… or maybe on twitter… I had promised to explore female condoms and report back.

Until…. Babeland. Originally known as Toys in Babeland and one of the pioneers of female friendly sex shops. In the time before Hustler had stores in most major cities and large amounts of online retailers started peddling every naughty good one could dream up, there were two women who saw a void in the smut market and moved to fill it. They’ve grown over the years into a comfortable high gloss destination for sexual education material and props of all sorts. If there were a place on the East Coast that would have a female condom in stock, it would be Babeland. Quite auspiciously, there was a Babeland mere blocks from the street corner I happened to be standing on at the time and it was open at 9pm (on a Monday no less.)

I dragged my penis having partner in crime with me to the Babeland store. We had a fantastically awkward moment when he saw Digital Playground’s line of Pirates/Pirates 2 themed sex toys and loudly pointed out the one with my face on the packaging in the store. The female condom was acquired (success! jubliation!) and brought back to the penis having person’s apartment. Much levity was had about the experiment which was about to commence. Laughter and sex go quite well together.

It’s a really good thing that laughter and sex go well together.

The thing about these female condoms is that they’re kind of baggy. And the ring at the top which is supposed to keep it in the vagina isn’t very stable. And they’re sort of sticky. All of this adds up to the condom kind of sticking to the penis in question instead of sticking inside my vagina, which kind of felt like I was being banged by a stiff ziplock bag. Eeek.


Dear Female Condom Company: can we talk about the lube you guys use? I doubt it’s Vaseline since petroleum jelly and condoms not mixing well has been drilled into my head since puberty, but it really looks and feels like a more gelatinous version of Vaseline. Stickier, less slidey. Kind of goopy. It’s like something out of the special effects kit for low budget Sci-Fi movies and the complete polar opposite of cute.

On your website you mention individual counseling and personal fittings [ FAQ item #1]. I think an in depth session with one of your representatives may be in order, especially if this representative happens to have a pencil skirt, white button down shirt, and glasses. Busty is optional. Hair preferably done up in a bun.